It sucks when I can't come up with a title for this entry. At times my brain is so quick and witty and then at other times I can't rub two brain cells together to save my life, and of course I am assuming I can find two brain cells on that day.
The two things that I struggle with the most when it comes to getting older are my lapses in memory and my vision deteriorating. Do you know how many times a day Isabella shoves something in my face and says look Mom...well, I would love to but my eye's cross, the blurriness sets in and it's all I can do to not hit my head on something behind me because I am pushing the item to the end of my arms reach to finally see "it" clearly.
I've reached the time in my life when some things matter, some things don't and some things are hard to admit..LOL... My appearance still matters to me, thank goodness. Although I feel like I am now the black crow that finds the shiny things and must have them. What is happening to me?. I love the shirts with glitter and rhinestones. The latest craze here is the glittery eyeshadow...I HAD to have that. Who I am turning out to be are the women that I used to laugh at. Who is having the last laugh now? LOL If I start to have cravings for the gold lame shoes I seriously might have to find some couch time with a good psychiatrist Is this normal? Normal or not, it's the road I am traveling and I have to admit it's been fun. They say that the 40's are the new 30's....this may be true, but my mind still thinks I am 25 and looking damn hot (I am really good at self deception too). Yes, the voices in my head are very deceiving..LOL It's taken me a long time to be okay with what the good Lord has given me. You might say, but your stomach has a pooch, butt and breast are a little saggy, a few wrinkles around the eyes and a few gray hairs....BUT so what! I think man.... if I had felt this way 10 years ago, I would be much skinnier, firmer and athletic. So, this is the reason that I am going to enjoy me and how I am now...because in 10 years gravity will work it's magic even more so and that could be a scary picture. It always helps when you have a hubby that thinks you still look okay after 23 years of marriage too. Thanks Cory for always making me feel like a princess.
The things that don't matter anymore are usually things that I am lying to myself about...LOL I like to say it doesn't matter what people think, but it does. I try to ignore the fact that I think very differently from a lot of people, but that is hard too. So if I were really honest with myself there is still a lot that matters to me and I hope that as I get older a few things in my fish bowl (brain) will calm down. Cory and I had this conversation last night that I really think that things are stacked against me...LOL I was born in April, which makes me an Aries/Ram...Type A personality....Red color code.....Boy oh boy, I am like a stick of dynamite walking around trying to pretend I am the birthday candle that gets pulled out once a year. My brain thinks too fast, I talk to fast, I get fired up really easily about all types of things...usually in a good way though! My family loves to compare me to Chevy Chase's character in Christmas Vacations...they think I set really high expectations and then I am extremely disappointed when things don't go according to plan. YEP, they are probably right on target. In my own defense though, I have lightened up as I have aged and this is a good thing. Aging makes us definitely wiser and I don't think I would trade that for my youth to be back, and maybe that is one of the things that does not matter to me anymore. Getting older is not a curse, it's well earned and learning to live life is more important than trying to control it.
I am not ready to admit those things in writing that I have a hard time admitting to myself when I am alone at night but with this said regret is a part of everyone's life. I don't have many but as I get older I am reminded of the saying that says "It's not the things you did that you will regret, but the things you did not do". This is true for me. ..Being over 40 and looking back I think I spent way too much time worrying about what others thought of me and this prevented me from doing more, of being more or reaching for the stars. Sounds silly, I know. Our minds can easily play tricks on us. Retraining ourselves to be different and do different things is challenging. The "me" in myself, is the worst enemy. I have to work daily at being the person I want to be and seeing those strong women that I have in my life help me to be that person. My friends and family are excellent examples to me of how to be loving, caring, charitable, merciful, and on and on.....My goals have been set, maybe too high, but I think I am finally figuring out that there are things in my life that will not change unless I make the promise and commitment to change. I have learned that not all of my faculties agree on the same goal. My mind and heart say yes....to the marathon goal...my body is saying....OH NO YOU DON'T. Learning to negotiate the three is going to be my goal over the next year.
The running is just one of my goals that I have set for myself. It seems a few weeks early to be thinking of New Year resolutions and yet when the FIRE is set to the wick you must run with it......unless of course it's the TNT stick that I mentioned above and then I might need to join a relay team and pass it off. Okay, we will just light the candlestick and hope that this year finds me NOT in gold lame shoes, but a new pair of running shoes heading to the finish line.